Consensual Nonmonogamy Resources

This page provides resources for those who are interested in pursuing consensual nonmonogamy (CNM). I’ve devoted a significant portion of my career to researching and providing advice on this topic. The skills I teach in Affirmative Intimacy® are exceptionally well-designed for those pursuing CNM in any of its various forms. The following nonmonogamy resources ought to be useful to you. Best of luck to you!

Nonmonogamy Resources – Self-Paced Learning on CD:

CD Cover

When Worlds Collide: Assessing and improving relations between your non-involved significant others – $47.00

Jim Fleckenstein and Carol Morotti-Meeker, MS, MLSP

One aspect of polyamorous living that is important to navigate is how one’s non-involved partners get along. What can or should be done about that? This talk will help those in, or contemplating, non-exclusive relationships understand the ways these interactions take shape, identify areas where challenges may occur and explore the best practices for assuring a smoothly functioning polyamorous relationship for everyone touched by the relationship.

CD Cover

You Just Don’t Care: Emotionally Unbalanced Relationships – $47.00

Jim Fleckenstein and Carol Morotti-Meeker, MS, MLSP

What’s missing in your relationship(s)? What do you want that you’re not getting? Why do you want it? Is it there, but you’re missing it? How much are you looking to your partner(s) to provide what you should be giving yourself? How have you communicated about this up to now – or have you? Many people deal with perceived imbalances in each partner’s “investment” in the relationship. These show up as a poor division of household tasks, an ongoing sense of neglect or being taken for granted, or a perceived lack of emotional support in the face of life’s challenges. Imbalance often leads to arguments, distancing, a painful sense of unfairness, or emotional isolation – none of which promote healthy relationships! This workshop will help you identify key “sticking points” in your relationship where you and your partner(s) are not on the same page emotionally. Successful relationships require a healthy balance between realistic expectations and an ongoing mutual commitment to keeping things equitable and fair. When you’ve completed this workshop, you’ll be able to list key areas of emotional imbalance and understand how they can be addressed.

CD Cover

Managing Jealousy: A brief introduction to R-E-T as a tool for addressing jealousy in consensual nonmonogamy – $47.00

Jim Fleckenstein

The great anthropologist Margaret Mead said of jealousy, “Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love may be read. It merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity. It is a negative, miserable state of feeling, having its origin in a sense of insecurity and inferiority.” Yet well-known evolutionary psychologist David Buss recently lauded jealousy, asserting that it can “enrich relationships,” while predicting dolefully that “the total absence of jealousy…portends emotional bankruptcy.” Which approach is “right”? Drawing on the pioneering work of Albert Ellis, creator of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, this workshop explores common thinking about jealousy among those who practice nontraditional relationships, examines some rationales offered to “normalize” it (and thereby minimize its pemiciousness), and then discusses some strategies for managing this “most dangerous passion.”

CD Cover

How to Refuse to Let Anything Make You Neurotic: A brief introduction to Mindful Reason – $47.00

Jim Fleckenstein and Carol Morotti-Meeker, MS, MLSP

Everything that happens to you in life and in relationships is seen through the filters of your beliefs and attitudes. The great thing is, once you truly realize that, you’re in complete control! That’s right! While you can’t control what life and love serves up, you can completely control how you react to it. Persons in polyamorous relationships, or even considering such a relationship, face many opportunities for misunderstandings and hurt. This is made worse by the social conditioning we’re all subjected to from infancy. What we’re not taught is a reliable way to step back and see our filters for what they are and decide for ourselves how we want to react. Using the Affirmative Intimacy® skill of Mindful Reason, you’ll be able to exercise greater control over how you approach relationships and life in general.

CD Order Form

  • Price: $47.00
  • Price: $47.00
  • Price: $47.00
  • Price: $47.00
  • $0.00
  • Per CD
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Nonmonogamy Resources – Books I Recommend

(You should know that as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases. But I value your trust – I wouldn’t recommend anything that I haven’t carefully considered as being appropriate and helpful to you just for the sake of literally a few pennies.)

This book introduces a great communication tool that inspired my Structured Dialog Pillar of Affirmative Intimacy® . I’m far less impressed with the rest of the book, and his Christian pastoral worldview colors his approach in ways I don’t appreciate. Still, many people report success with his IMAGO therapeutic approach.

This book from three members of the Harvard Education Project is a solid tool for learning how to have the tough talks that frequently accompany nonmonogamy. My copy is well tagged for valuable insights, and it, too, contributed greatly to my Structured Dialog Pillar.

Another source for Structured Dialog insights, this book has worksheets and self-tests to improve your communication skills. Very accessible and well worth the read.

This great book was my first introduction to Dr. Albert Ellis and his Rational-Emotional-Therapy. It was transformational for me. Ellis’ insights contributed greatly to my Mindful Reason Pillar, and I embrace and use his approaches in my daily life.

More Ellis, this one focusing on our interactions with others and what we can do to avoid being “triggered.” Maybe it should become required reading in our schools and colleges in these bitterly polarized times.

Paul Hauck is a disciple of Albert Ellis, and while this book is aimed at a mainstream monocentric audience, his insights are powerful and applicable to nonmonogamy as well. He tackles what he calls “excessive” jealousy, but which is in reality almost all jealousy. A very useful guide to turning the vile “green-eyed monster” into a decorative rug you can wipe your feet on.

Dr. Roberta Gilbert worked directly with Dr. Murray Bowen as he fleshed out his Family Systems Theory. Bowen’s work is incorporated into my Differentiation of Self Pillar. Gilbert’s book is very good at making Bowen’s principles understandable and practically applicable.

This is Albert Ellis’ dated, but still interesting, look at how one might pursue non-exclusive relationships. Because Ellis’ “legacy keepers” seem uninterested in this aspect of Ellis’ thinking, it is hard to find and typically quite expensive, but very much worth a read. You must, of course, excuse some of the language and attitudes that were quite advanced and enlightened for 1972, but which may strike a false note with our contemporary sensibilities.

Tristan Taormino’s book has been my absolute “go-to” recommendation for anyone considering consensual nonmonogamy. She treats all of the various “flavors” of CNM, and the book is filled with real-life stories of folks who are making these relationships work. Though over a decade old, it remains my first choice for an introductory book.

Dedeker Winston’s piece is a first-person account of her journey through nonmonogamy; lessons learned, ups and downs, joys and regrets. It’s told in a very readable and light-hearted way, but the nuggets of hard-earned wisdom are there on nearly every page. Don’t be misled by the title. Persons of any gender expression can learn a great deal from this book.

Dr. Elisabeth Sheff has been a groundbreaking researcher into polyamory and especially the family dynamics of polyamory. This book tells about the findings of her ongoing longitudinal study of a group of polyamorous families, many with children. If you want a greater understanding of the lived experiences over time of people who have adopted polyamory, this book gives it to you!

Counselor and nurse Kathy Labriola tackles the jealousy monster head-on in this very accessible book. It is filled with worksheets and exercises to help you understand and manage the pangs of jealousy and possessiveness that sometimes plague even the most grounded and mature nonmonogamist.

If you’re wondering why you’re drawn to nonmonogamy, Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha have an answer. This bestselling book drew vicious attacks from the mononormative faction of the anthropological community. Undoubtedly, like all cutting edge examinations of essentially unprovable accounts of prehistory, I’m sure Drs. Ryan and Jetha got a few things wrong. That doesn’t take much away from their research and very interesting findings. Read it and judge for yourself.